Love, it is such a funny word. The depth is interchangeable with each person, the love you feel for a child is different from the love you feel for another adult which again is different from the love you feel for your animals (I would hope so or buddy you need help pronto!). Falling in love is a wondrous amazing crazy confusing experience. And the clincher is, that no matter how much you’d wish otherwise, you can’t choose who you fall in love with.
The men I’ve loved I can count on less than one hand. The father of my boys, I loved as you can only love your first love. The next man I fell in love with I did so knowing he would not be in my life long, he was destined for big things. He went on to achieve those things, I’m proud to have know him before that, as he was a lovely giving kind man and he came into my life at exactly the time I needed him. This brings me to the last love.
There was no bolt of lightening, or smoke and boom, I was in love! It happened so slowly I wasn’t even aware….every kind act, every laugh, every cuddle and soft words whispered crept up on me then one day I just realised “shit, I love him!”. Now if you ask anyone else they’d all say they knew it long before me. They probably did, because if I’m honest, I’m terrified of being in love and would deny it to my death bed. Don’t get me wrong, when you are there in that high honeymoon period, things are magnificent wonderful and everything is full blazing colours and feelings. It’s the part afterwards that scares me. When the shine wears off and you are dealing with day to day stresses. When trying to schedule a bit of play time is liken to a battle plan with strategies and timing becomes important. You realise that you may actually maybe need this person. That’s the part I hate, the needing another human being to make me feel whole! I was whole before they came along….and yet I felt half when he was not around?
Now normally, soon as I start to realise I’m feeling stuff (damn you feelings!), I sabotage myself and the relationship. And I do so with vim and vigour!! I did it with my first love. I did it spectacularly with my second love. But this time, I didn’t. Boy oh boy, was I petrified. This whole going with the flow shit, nahh, it’s not for me. I like plans, lists, schedules and diaries for things. Almost every day I would ask myself what I was doing and yet that little voice, annoying biatch that she is, kept reminding me to stick with it. After all, this be LOVE, right?! Aaaaah and then instinct kicked in….now I don’t know if you are aware but Instinct she’s a mean one! She’ll let small hints drop in this quiet voice of discomfort here then there then everywhere. At first I ignored Instinct because well you know the whole sabotage thingy….but she would not be ignored!!! She kept whispering how this was wrong, how these small excuses and inconsideration were gaining speed, building up. She told me that soon my feelings would be of little or no consequence because I would disappear into my insecurities. She told me that no-one had the right to make me feel this sad, this disappointed, this disrespected or this unimportant. She told me to see all the lies, the manipulations, the disregard of my needs and wants, the thoughtlessness’s, the ignored messages, the complete disinterest in wanting to spend time together, the “always busy busy busy”, the bravado, the bragging, the arrogance and ignorance for what it was. And she was right!
So couple weeks ago, I walked away. I hated myself for doing it. After all, no-one likes to hurt someone else on purpose and the guilt does horrid things to you. I’d like to say that I feel a little guilty but mostly I feel anger. I’m angry at him for just assuming that he could treat me in such an appalling manner without any consideration to me. I am angry that I allowed someone to make me feel this way and that I continuously made excuse for his behaviour. I’m angry that I allowed another human being to have this much hold over me that I consciously made decisions to ignore my own welfare and well being in lieu of his. I am angry that I saw his flaws and still accepted him, yet he chose to use me instead of a appreciate me. I am angry that he only wanted me when it suited him. I am angry that he always expected me to be available for him. I am angry that my needs and wants were completely bypassed. I am angry at the games he played, at how he manipulated me into feeling insecure then accused me of being jealous. I am angry that after 3 years I said stop and he didn’t even ask why? Or say goodbye. And I am heartbroken!! Heartbroken by the loss of love and devastated by the loss of hope!!
I would like to say I choose this person to love, but I had no choice. Love she’s a fickle thing, she sneaks up on you. However, I now choose not to love. I choose to walk away. I choose to say Goodbye and good luck! Because no matter how fickle love is, Instinct is a big badder biatch and she’ll kick your arse to the curb!!!!!!